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The Man in the DressBy PretzelgirlOnce upon a magical shining morning a man who sat at a breakfast table nodded a silent "Good Morning" to his wife who had just crawled out of a long night's hibernation.She cocked an unfriendly eye at him."Herbert," she said. "Why are you wearing my clothes?"With an uncharacteristically high heart the man replied in a scratchy, squeaky voice: "I am not Herbert. I am Helen. And these are my clothes. Do you like them?"The man gracefully rose from the table. He loved sunny, shining mornings like this. His brawny, hairy arms bulged forth from a sleeveless, ankle-length floral print dress several sizes too small for his bulky frame. The man's feet, narrowly squeezed into silver-accented women's sandals, lithely danced across the kitchen floor towards the wife. She could just make out the outline of her bra and underwear beneath the tightly-worn dress. The wife cringed at the silhouetted bulge of the man's clearly unfeminine crotch. "Men do not wear. We could all ‘help’ - nobody should hear the screams in Ellie’s old barn”.The gold-edged invitation card arrived by post on Tuesday morning for a one-day-only offer of a complimentary massage, except Emma had struck through ‘free’ and written £200 in the top corner, amended by Suzy to ‘£500 for the full package’.Tuesday afternoon in Ellie’s barnSuzy insisted I strip off and lie face-down on the unusually elongated massage table; it’s purpose only becoming more obvious when she pulled my arms up and fixed them in place with the leather straps and then the same around my ankles.“Try to relax” she laughed “this will only hurt if you struggle”.Then the pain began as she turned the crank to pull the front half of the table away from the rear.“I suppose you know the invention of the rack is accredited to the British Constable John Exeter in 1447 for the torture of prisoners in the Tower of London? Although some think it’s much older - used by Catholics down the ages to extract confessions.
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